Deserving

I was told recently to ‘lighten up’ and I realized that I have become a very serious person and wondered when that shift occurred from the ‘up for anything’ mad version of myself. I have never been frivolous or silly, I think it is not in my nature. I’ve always been self deprecating, that comes easy for me. But the lighthearted nature of being joyful seems to have drifted away from me.

I think the responsibility that comes with my life has overwhelmed me. Politics in the US, SA and Europe weigh on my mind. I worry about the environment and the world we are leaving for our grandchildren and future generations. Financial responsibility also sits heavily upon me.

I worry and I fret about things that may never happen and even if they do I cannot avoid them or change the outcome.

I’m trying to be conscious of those thoughts. When I get stuck in that loop of fretting needlessly and pointlessly, then I try and focus on bringing my mind back to the present. Being mindful. It is an ongoing challenge.

I’ve been following a Facebook group of different people posting videos performing Ho’oponopono prayers and I’ve also been trying to practice it in my every day life. I saw a dead kitten on my way to work and said Ho’oponopono for that kitten every morning this week. I read an article about a young girl named Alesha MacPhail who was murdered in Scotland and I looked at the beautiful, innocent wee face in her photo and said Ho’oponopono for her. A pigeon flew into the bottom of my car when driving home and died and I said Ho’oponopono prayers for the pigeon. A friend is struggling with issues with her son’s health and I’ve said the prayers for them both.

The prayers bring me peace and calm my scattered mind. But the energy from these situations hangs heavy on my heart. I sometimes wish I was one of those people who can compartmentalise my thoughts. I’ve had some high anxiety level days recently.

This week hurtled past, Friday was upon me before I realized it. I presented my progress to my client on Friday and he is very happy with my work so far. That takes a bit of stress off.

Norm and I had a quiet weekend after last weekend’s chaos as we both needed it!

Norm cooked most of this week and looked after me well. It has been very hot this week so we kept our meals simple.

He made sweet chili chicken kebabs, fried halloumi, coleslaw and salad one evening.

Another night he just baked pork chops and I made a salad.

We use a lot of avocado despite the ridiculously high cost of them as they are high in fat. Our bodies need healthy fat.

He made a big pot of rich tomatoey bolognaise sauce and served it over low carb noodles with steamed broccoli the first night. The next night he layered the sauce with sliced zucchini and mozzarella and baked it.

It was delicious. Mince (or ‘hamburger meat’ to Americans) is so cost effective as it always stretches to at least 2 meals.

On Friday we were happy to settle in for a cosy night at home and we started watching a new Netflix series called Dirty John.

We haven’t finished it so please no spoilers!

This series is gripping but it may trigger survivors of domestic violence. It certainly had me feeling a bit anxious. There were many scenes I could relate to: having someone tap into and record your phone calls, keeping track of where you take the car, watching them flip quickly from being loving to being full of rage and then to gaslighting you that you are to blame for their behavior.

Guns against your head, hands around your throat…..hatred in their eyes. Terror.

Now I can recognize those types of men from a mile away, I see those who have that in their nature. I keep shouting ‘what are you doing’ at the female character in Dirty John when in fact I did the same behaviors myself. That cycle of hate and dependency. When you are stuck in that dynamic it is like quicksand, dragging you down to places you never imagined and feeling like there is no way out of it. Especially when he has hoodwinked society into believing he is a really charming nice guy. Often nothing is as it appears. How many serial killer’s neighbors say ‘he seemed like such a nice guy’?

So many women are trapped in this type of scenario, often where the roles are reversed from the ones in Dirty John, when the woman is the one who is financially dependent and sees no way to survive outside of her marriage. In fact many of the women in domestic violence situations are lucky to live through it. “About 87,000 women or girls were killed worldwide in 2017, 58 percent of them victims of domestic or family violence.”

I have been in this situation more than once. I was engaged at 18 years of age to an addict and I see so many similarities with his behaviors in this series. My fiancé Jeff lied easily and created so many scenarios to enable his addiction. He went into hospital for multiple surgeries for nonexistent ailments just to get access to drugs. He tried to drag me down into that world but I woke up and managed to get away from him. We totaled my dad’s truck but luckily no more long term damage occurred. I googled Jeff a few years back and saw he has died. I wonder if it was his addiction that killed him.

I’m one of the lucky ones who survived. I’m even luckier to have married a kind, loving and incredibly gentle man the second time around. I changed my perspective and expectations of what I deserved. I deserve respect, I deserve kindness and I deserve to be loved. Until a woman realises that she deserves those things she may not even recognize them and most likely she will not be attracted by them, or even attract them TO her. Some women repeat these patterns over and over, choosing men who exhibit variations of the same behaviors and never get out of that destructive loop.

I’m so grateful for my marriage and the love of my husband.

I was woken early on Saturday by Navajo shoving his nose into my sleeping face. Nav is the only abuse I get these days! He seems to panic that I have overslept on weekends and wakes me at 7. During the week he barely opens an eye as I sneak out well before 7am and the pets and Norm then lie in until after 8. I assume Navajo thinks he is being helpful. He so isn’t.

I had a hair appointment in the CBD Saturday morning and left just after 10 but there was no parking that I felt competent enough to wiggle into and drove around for ages until I found a spot.

My hairdresser Leandra asked if I felt like a change and I thought ‘why not?’ and let her have free rein. She cut lots off the bottom and now it is just past shoulder length. The ends were not in great shape and it was rather frizzy so it looks so much healthier now.

What do you think?

While washing my hair Thembi asked me had I been experiencing the Hout Bay headaches and neck aches and I was shocked to learn it is an epidemic! Apparently lots of people have had it. I’ve been struggling with headaches for weeks and I thought it was my neck and had been to the chiro for 3 sessions with minimal success. Interestingly today mine is gone! Maybe extending my neck over the basin unlocked it, maybe Thembi’s amazing neck and head massage did or maybe it was a virus. Whatever it was I’m relieved it is not with me today and hope it stays away.

When I got home Norm and I went out for a late lunch. We popped into Hout Bay and went to Dario’s as I fancied a burger and theirs are divine.

We grabbed a table outside.

There was a lycra wearing arsehat nearby who was having a very loud facechat conversation with someone. Who does that in a restaurant!? I wanted to go and ask him to STFU but Norm discouraged me and agreed that if it went on too long he would have a quiet word with Mr arsehat. After his call finally ended he grabbed his bike and moved off, on the way out he said something about Norm being Scottish so obviously has met him before? It’s such a small town but I have no fears of burning bridges. Oops. Just as well I have Norm to rein me in.

I saw that Dario’s had prawns on special for R99 and so I diverted from my burger desire.

They came with garlic butter and were very nice. Norm stuck with the burger plan.

Both meals were yummy.

When I had driven to town that morning the sea mist was so thick you could barely see over Llandudno and we noticed the same while down near the beach in Hout Bay, you couldn’t see the mountains at all!

After we ate we went to Mainstream as I needed to go to Clicks as I was out of everything from face wash to foundation. I always get a shock at the till when a half basket of shopping costs almost 2 grand! And I even changed some of my usual products for cheaper brands. The cost of living in SA is getting out of control. Maybe I’m at the age where I should just say ‘feck it’ and give up on make up and giving a damn how I look? Or maybe this is the age when I need it most 😂. Women in our 50’s are pretty much invisible so no one may notice either way.

Today feels a bit cooler, if only the cold front causing the heavy mist would bring some rain. We badly need it!

Our firefighters have been battling a fire in Franschhoek just outside of Cape Town for several days now. It has done a lot of damage.

Please pray for the firefighters, residents, animals, vegetation and trees and for rain to dampen the flames.

Today we are having a lazy pajama day. Norm made brunch for us.

Later I may trade my PJs for my swimsuit and have a bob about in the pool. That is as strenuous a day as I can manage!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend. Until next time, Kisses from the Kitten xoxoxoxox

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